hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
