I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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