i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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