Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
