i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
