he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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