totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
