So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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