if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
