Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Even my vagina gasped.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
