Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
