I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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