Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
