At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
dude. I can hear the air.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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