Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
What drink are we having for lunch?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
