Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
