So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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