Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
