I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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