By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
