The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
