if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
