i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
