Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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