I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
