The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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