So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
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i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
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I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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