i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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