Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
