My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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