Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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