i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
