happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
