Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
