And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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