he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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