Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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