My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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