Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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