Your dad touched me again.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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