my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
