I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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