Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
