i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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