I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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