Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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