i wish there were pregnant emoticons
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Never let your siblings swipe right.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
