All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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