my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
