i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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