so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
