Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
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