I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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