I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
