i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
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Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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