the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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