I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
