I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
