Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
