I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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