I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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