Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
