nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
