we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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