what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
